The Hardest Decision i have had to make yet.

January 8th, 2009,

I have made my bed and now i have to lie in it. I have decided to leave my husband. This is a choice i never would have thought i would have to make. But a very necessary one. It was also a long time coming one, which i feel like many people don't realize, but how could you? A relationship is between two people and girlfriends only hear the half of it. I will be the first to admit that i made my fair share of mistakes and that i could have done things different as well. But i also was willing to make any necessary changes that was needed to make it work and i do not feel that it was reciprocated. I have many reasons for making this choice and although i would like to not get into to many details i feel like to know my story you have to know some details. Shaine and i were high school sweethearts. My first love, my best friend, my rock. I will NEVER forget what we had and the memories we made. However his anger got the best of him and he made some poor choices that not only effected his life but our together. Some say it was his age, maturity and lack of parental guidance. Well i don't know why he turned out to be the way that he is today but what happened can never change and that's a fact I've had to face. I tried hard to get him to go to anger management with me and counseling. I wanted to do what it took to make it work. I read books, i talked with his mother, i asked for advice from family and friends. I tried everything i knew to make it work. But in the end, i failed. I decided i needed to leave and even though that was giving up. I felt i had no other choice. My emotional stand point and my physical one were at stake and i felt that staying was not a risk i was willing to take. I had to get out before it got worse. I may of not made things easy for him and i may of been too stubborn on things. But i felt that they way he handled these issues was with physical anger and lack of communication. For those who are really close to me, you know some of the stories of the physical abuse and verbal abuse he put towards me as well as others. I am not the only victim of his anger and i understand that. I also understand that his family will always be on his side and there's no changing that. Its loyalty and i respect that, as i would do the same for my family.  However, i would get that person help. Especially when there is documentation of this abuse.

So, i made my choice, i confided in my father and he helped me make my choice and i owe it to him for shining the light on me that i needed to see. "If the military couldn't change him, what makes you think you can?". That is really what i needed to hear. Because you really can't change people, only you can change you. So when Shaine went to work today, i packed my things. Only my things. I left the things we shared together. I had no car, i had to quit my job. I took my cat, but i had to leave our dog. I cried having to leave my son. He was a very important part in our lives that no one will be able to understand. But i just couldn't take him from Shaine. He loved that dog more than anything and it would have broken his heart to take him as well.  I moved back into my parents house. I truly believed at that time, that we would work things out. I left him a letter, explaining why i left and what i wanted. I told him to contact me when he was ready to talk. I waited for 22 days. I believed that if i left, it would open his eyes and he would make this drastic gesture like they do in the movies. I was waiting for my movie moment, to live a happy ending. But as you can guess, it didn't happen for me.

 I decided that i needed to start making choices for myself and stop waiting. I decided to go back to school, get a new job, save money for my own car. It was time to stop crying and start living. I had a true friend i confided in more than anyone else. She too was going through a separation. Her husband had made a vital sin. But we had each other, we share things no one else knows. We understand each other and we just get it. Maeghan is my sister. As well as Jill. If i didn't have these ladies in my life, i don't know if i would be here today. Literally. Divorce gets you down, It's a very lonely place. Only those who experience it can understand. It's like a death. Part of your heart dies with that relationship and it is irretrievable.

I once heard a quote that says this "It is better to be alone and happy than together and miserable."

I try to live by this quote and i will make it on by own no matter what i have to do.