Realization

I'm starting to come to a realization about how life works. I truly believe that some people are made to have completely shitty lives and have everything go wrong and people die all around them and basically just be picked up a little and then kicked down hard again. I believe this because people need to see bad in order to appreciate the good around them. They need to know that someone else has it worse out there and that there lives aren't so bad. This is why bad things happen to good people. Because they handle it and then move on because that is all they are use to it bad shit happening over and over and over. So other people around them can watch them suffer excruciating pain over and over and watch all of their loved ones die and their families fall apart and their marriages fall apart and loose their jobs and get into car accidents and have perfectly healthy babies be diagnosed with disabilities. This way the people who don't have these things happen can appreciate what they have. Just like someone out their has it worse than me and I'm suppose to appreciate all that i have even when things are really shitty. so just when you think someone out there is such an asshole for letting the door close on you and beep at you because their on their way to a funeral and your driving like an asshole or when the lady in front of you just keeps digging for those goddamn pennies in her frigging sock change purse, or when the girl in the bank won't take off her sunglasses because shes just been bawling her eyes out and is embarrassed , NOT because she wants to rob the place, take a second look and maybe consider the fact that these peoples lives have a lot more going on then what you may be thinking is a huge dilemma of your "do i get a coffee or an energy drink today?" Look the fuck around people, life is happening everywhere and i guarantee you that you flipped out on someone once when they were just at their breaking point because you didn't take one second to glance at their face and see the pain in their eyes and give them a fucking break.

The Little Death

The Little Death

The length of a gasp
On a late summer evening
The angels went first
And their faces stained white
I think that it's too late
To admit to you that I'm hurting
With my dying heart
And my memories stained white
If they lose me, know that I'll be yours,
And nestled in his arms, death with cradle us
Because if they lose me,
It's only so I stay yours
And nestled in his arms, death with cradle us
The rain runs down my temples
The lightning is singing your descent
Huddled up against my life
Your laugh resounds and then flees
I think that it's too late
To admit to you that I'm hurting
My heart is not like it was before
Because it softly falls asleep

http://lyricstranslate.com

http://lyricstranslate.com

Read more at http://lyricstranslate.com/en/la-petite-mort-little-death.html#WTYixCO4TemvMD58.99

I found a new term to describe my sadness, which i believe is going to help me through the heeling process


"The term "la petite mort" or "the small death" It can be used when some undesired thing has happened to a person and has affected them so much that "a part of them dies inside".

Memoir

Memoir

           

            I get a call around 10:00am. The call I have been waiting for, my nephew is about to be born. I am so excited I jump off my bed and start to get dressed. Anything for the occasion is fine; I just want to get there. When I arrive at the hospital I find out I get to be in the room for the birth! This is something I never thought I would get to do until I actually had children myself. I’m a little nervous. My brother is there freaking out and by the look on his face I can tell he is glad I am here. Jenna’s look is full of pain. I drop my purse on the floor and ask what I can do. Jenna just wants me to rub her back and push as hard as I can while my brother just watches with panic. I have to give them both prep speeches about how everything will be okay. Jenna turns around to look at me and asks how she is going to do this? I have to remind her that women’s bodies are made for this and that everything will be just fine, God is watching, Carol is watching and Ricky is watching.

            Unfortunately, my family has just lost those two very important people just weeks before this birth. My uncle lost his battle with a brain tumor, and my aunt had a tragic fall down iron spiral stairs one rainy night. This baby is the only good thing we have to look forward to. Everyone around us just keeps telling us how the baby is going to make everything better!

At 1:27pm the beautiful Sean Patrick Cooper was born. Ten fingers ten toes, everything intact. He couldn’t be more beautiful. My mother and I start taking pictures; we already can’t get enough of him. My brother gets to hold him first, then Jenna and then my mom. Finally it’s my turn! I adore him. I hand over my camera to my mom so she can take a picture of us. As soon as the flash goes off, several nurses and the doctor enter the room. I snuggle Sean closer to me and try to guess why so many people just came in the room. I look over to Jenna and she seems fine. Suddenly a nurse comes over to me and starts to take away Sean “you need to hear this to honey, let me see him.” I don’t know what this nurse is talking about, what could I possibly need to hear? I’m not the new mom here. The doctor sits down on the bed with Jenna and begins. It seems as though the doctors have found some signs of Down syndrome. His toes are too far apart, his neck is thicker than normal babies and his pallet in his mouth is too high.

            I don’t know what they are talking about he looked fine to me. They must be lying, this can’t be happening. He is perfect. My head falls between my hands as well as my brothers. Then I hear Jenna screaming “NO! Not my baby! Not after everything NO!” I can’t bear to hear her screams. After everything my family has been through how can God let this happen?

STOP KONY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc&feature=share

WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING! PLEASE WATCH!!!

Enchanted Village

So today Jordan's Furniture in Avon held a special event for children with Down Syndrome. It was amazing! We got to tour the Enchanted Village as 'snow' fell from the ceiling. Then we got to see Sean sit on Santa's lap and recieve a gift! It was so adorable i wanted to cry. The people there were actually laughing at my family and i for taking so many pictures. They said we looked like paparazzi! We also got to go on the MOM ride and see a laser show. They had free food and drinks. It was really nice. But the most amazing part was seeing Sean get to interact with other children like him. There was a group of kids between 4-6. They all wanted to see Sean so bad because he was a baby. They were so extremely adorable. They were rubbing his back and petting his head! I just loved seeing the other families and children. It really mad my heart melt. I love when i can spend time with my family!

The annulment

So according to the Catholic Church, i am not divorced. I need to obtain a an annulment through the church. Which would possibly take 12-18months and cost $750 and they can still say no. But after much consideration we have decided to proceed with this process. This consists of asking me over 50 questions about my life growing up Shaine's life growing up and our marriage together. It was sort of ridiculous of what they ask. But i did it. It took me three hours and i wrote 18 pages. Its finally done. The pastor told me this was the fastest petition he has ever done. That's right. I get my stuff done and i am efficient. I want this annulment now so i can plan my wedding and get on with my life!!!!

The last question on the form i had to answer was " why do you think this marriage failed"?

This is what i wrote :
   I think this marriage failed because we got together at a very young age, I was only 20 and Shaine was 19, still a teenager. We had no idea at this age what a marriage was and how it is supposed to be. We thought we knew what we were doing. We didn't get to know each other as adults. We didn't have our goals straight. We had no idea who each other were, let alone ourselves. We thought that love was enough and it just isn't  Marriage is about building a relationship with the one you love. Knowing how to love, knowing what you want out of life and finding someone you want to share that life with and maybe even procreate. Marriage is about a lot more than teenagers falling in love on a school bus in high school.  It is about responsibility, respect, caring, love, friendship and most of all commitment. As I grew up and learned about the world I also learned about what a relationship is supposed to be. Now that I know who I am and what I want to do, I know that I can be with the person who is right for me. The person who will undoubtedly be the support above all others. The person I can grow with and love and finally make the commitment in front of God with and know that it is the person I am meant to be with and make a difference with.