I haven't told anyone yet, but i'm not coping well with the deaths of my uncle and aunt. It's weird to have two deaths at the same time and very painful. I am at different stages for each death. It's hard to cope with that. Neither death is easy for me to handle, however with my uncle, i knew it was coming soon and i tried to prepare myself the best i could. I just didn't prepare myself for what would happen after he was actually gone, but with my aunt, it was like i was just starting to accept Ricky being gone and carol was even helping me cope with that. I was just starting to try and move on and deal with getting things back on track and then suddenly, she passed. Tragically. The unbearable pain i felt when i got that call. I can't even explain the pain i physically felt, i imagine it being the same as being hit by a bus. I literally was gasping for air and clenching at my stomach. I could feel the vomit erupting from my mouth quickly. The screaming and hugging i did to john. If he wasn't there i don't know what i would have done. He didn't even know what was happening but he did all the right things. I remember dropping my phone on the bed and hearing my dad call out my name asking if i was okay. I literally crawled to the bathroom in hysterics. John picked up the phone and spoke to my father.
I am still in the early stages of grief. I am in denial, i am in pain, i am guilty for what happened and the bargaining is happening everyday. With Ricky, i feel like i am in denial that he is not here anymore. I know once the holidays come around is when i will really be able to face this. Right now its just like he is still sick and fighting for his life. Even though i know that's not true, that the way i deal with it.
With carol its different. I saw her way more frequently so i know she is gone i cannot deny it. But the pain and guilt is still there and the bargaining is coming on. I feel like there is something i could of done about it. I also feel like i jinxed her. I know it seems ridiculous to others but i know i did it. This is the second time i bought tickets to something extra ahead of time and someone has died. The first time, i bought movie tickets days early to go see "Avatar" with John. Then his dad passed away days before. I had NEVER bought movie tickets early before. Then with Carol, i bought her Red Sox tickets for her me and John so we could all go to the game for her birthday. Then my parents bought tickets and my brother and his girlfriend. We were all so excited to go to the game together! Carol hadn't been to a game for years. You should have seen her face. She was sooo excited! The smile on her face! The tickets immediately went on the fridge! She was taking about what she was going to where for the game and how we would get there and everything. Then instead of going to the game, we were going to her funeral. How did this happen? I still cannot deal with this.
I bargain with god everyday and still sometimes feel like if i do something right she will come back and we will make things better. I have that glimmer of hope even though i physically know it can't happen. I talk to her all the time. I ask for her advice and pray that she is watching how her family is behaving and will strike shame on them for the evils they have done to each other since her passing. I just finished reading a diary of hers from a rehab she attended for alcoholism. I had no idea the pain she went through. I had no idea she wanted a family of her own and it was not a choice she made to be single. She had a problem and could never get the help she so desperately needed. Now i feel guilty. As should her family. There should have been more support. There shouldn't have been so much pressure on her. She always cared about everyone but herself. She sacrificed her life to take care of her mother and her health to deal with life's issues. I cannot help feeling myself bargaining and begging for god to put her back on this earth to help her make life better.
According to the Seven Stages, i have a lot more to go. I had no idea it could take this long to go through this process. I thought i was done grieving. But in reality i have come to learn that when i deal with things, i shut down and i don't talk about it at all. I just ignore it and wait for it to build up and flip out on somebody because of it.
Here is the grief model called "The 7 Stages of Grief":
7 Stages of Grief...
1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
7 Stages of Grief...
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
7 stages of grief...
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
